How children react to separation varies greatly. All children have reactions to the news that their parents are separating. There are some common reactions that happen when parents decide to live apart.

Parents need to be ready for the inevitable role they will play in co-regulating their child’s reactions to this news. A home environment is typically created as the central point of security for children.

It is the place where people invest most of their time and energy to design, shape, and structure healthy and happy environments for children to grow.

A home is where the heart is, is an adage that refers to the quality of relationships, bonds, and experiences family members share together over time.

Children will grieve the loss

More important than your child’s personal content, children will grieve the loss they experience when they learn that mom and dad are no longer together. Very young children have great difficulty understanding the reasons why their parents decide to separate.

This is especially true where the reasons to move on are related to sexual or emotional affairs. It is helpful to simply validate or recognize your child’s reaction by saying, “I know this is hard for you to understand”.

Where there is more than one child in the family, it is good for children to have some one-on-one time with you to express what is likely to sound confusing. School-aged children will commonly express concrete questions like:

“Where will mommy live now?”

“When will I get to see Dad?”

“Does this mean I have to draw pictures of my family without my daddy in it?”.

Childhood Reactions to Separation

Older children and adolescents will also be confused about the reasons for parental separation and their own feelings about it. Sometimes, teenagers behave as though it does not really matter to them or that it makes little difference if one parent moves away.

This is more likely to happen when adolescents have overheard a lot of arguing or fighting between their parents.

Again, it is important to have some special time carved out for each preteen to discuss what you can share with them without over-disclosing some of the personal details of the marital relationship.

It helps teenagers to hear, “It seems like you do not care that mom moved out, but I know that it is confusing to you. It is confusing to me too”.

No matter how old your children are, it is critical that they hear you will both be their parents for life, and that you will continue to love them unconditionally despite the changes that are expected to happen like moving into a new home, condo, or apartment.

Children React to Separation

Children and adolescents benefit from hearing as much about the plans they are able to share in the early days of separation. For example, “Dad will be going to live with his brother Tom for a couple of weeks before he finds a new place to live.

He cannot live here anymore, but you and your sister and I will remain in this place for the time being.” As plans take shape and become clearer, it is advisable that parents share these details with their children.

Your children are a part of your family, and they will experience all the loss and grief that you feel alongside you both.

They will need both parents to hold it together and to present some level of composure to reassure them that no matter what happens, everything will be okay.

How does family separation affect a child’s development?

The experience of family separation can have a profound impact on a child’s development, with potentially long-lasting effects. Depending on factors such as the child’s age, the length and type of separation, and the child’s coping mechanisms, the impact can manifest in different ways. Common outcomes include emotional distress, cognitive difficulties, and changes in behaviour, such as separation anxiety or aggression.

To mitigate these effects, it is essential for parents and caregivers to offer a nurturing and supportive environment that can help the child to cope and adjust.

Childhood Reactions to Separation – Get Support

Seeking professional support, such as counselling or therapy, can also be beneficial for both the child and the adults involved. Providing emotional support and stability to the child is essential, as is allowing them to express their emotions and feelings in a safe environment.

The goal is to help the child develop resilience and coping skills, enabling them to overcome the challenges presented by separation and achieve healthy development.

What are the feelings of the child when he is separated from his parents?

When a child is separated from their parents, they may experience a range of intense and complex emotions that can vary depending on their individual circumstances and personality.

Separation from parents can trigger feelings of fear and anxiety, which can be intensified if the child has experienced trauma or has an insecure attachment to their caregivers. Children may also feel sad, miss their parents, and experience a sense of loss or grief, especially if the separation is prolonged or permanent.

In addition, children may feel angry and frustrated when separated from their parents, as they may perceive their parents’ absence as abandonment or punishment.

Confusion and disorientation are also common reactions, particularly in situations where children do not understand the reasons behind the separation or have limited information about their parents’ whereabouts.

Childhood Reactions to Separation

Children may feel guilty and blame themselves for the separation, which can negatively impact their self-esteem and mental health. They may believe that they caused the separation or could have prevented it by changing their behaviour or actions.

It is crucial for parents and caregivers to acknowledge and validate their child’s feelings while providing them with emotional support, care, and reassurance.

Engaging in age-appropriate conversations with children, explaining the separation in a clear and simple way, and providing a consistent and nurturing environment can help to reduce anxiety, confusion, and other negative emotions.

Seeking professional support, such as therapy or counselling, can also be helpful for both the child and the adults involved, in order to navigate the complex emotional and psychological impact of family separation.

Children React to Separation

When parents divorce, their children may experience a range of emotional and behavioural reactions that can last for months. These reactions may include anxiety, depression, irritability, demands for attention, noncompliance, and problems with social relationships and school performance.

Parents are often unprepared to deal with these reactions and may feel troubled by their children’s behaviour. It is important for children to understand that they are not responsible for the separation, that both parents still love them, and that their needs will be met.

The child’s emotional state

Children express their distress differently than adults, often through books, workbooks, stories, play, and drawings. Parents should be receptive to these forms of communication, as they can provide insight into the child’s emotional state.

It is also important for parents to provide clear and consistent rules and structure while acknowledging their children’s negative feelings. Striking a balance between these two approaches can help children feel supported and secure during difficult times.

Professional support, such as counselling, can also be beneficial for children and their parents during and after a divorce. Children may benefit from therapy to help them process their emotions and cope with the changes in their lives, while parents can receive guidance on how to support their children and manage their own emotions.

We hope you found this article on how children react to separation useful.

-Lisa Romano-Dwyer PhD, RSW

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How Children React to Separation: Common Coping Strategies